great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.