I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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