Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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