I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
