The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
