And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
