I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
