I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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