i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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