You don't have asthma, your pregnant
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Floor bacon is actually really good
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
