i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
