I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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