Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
