i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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