just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
