I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I intend to get homeless drunk
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I will pee on everything he values.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
