so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
