There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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