bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
