Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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