sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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