I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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