I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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