if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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