I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He felt like a one man threesome
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
