Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
