woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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