Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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