I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
