I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
