drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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