Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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