Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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