I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
