When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
