Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
