I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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