hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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