I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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