Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
