at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Green mimosas i think yes
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
