wanna go halves on a baby?
Non-Jews are for practice
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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