I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
