made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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