I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you inspire me to be a worse person
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I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.