Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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