I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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