just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
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He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
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You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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