I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
