Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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