Someone shit on the floor
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
