i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
