My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
