Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
